Just when my Hallelujah was tired, he gave me a new song.
On a warm September night my husband and I went out on a date. We normally try to do this at least a few times a month. I’ve learned that one of my love languages is quality time, and nothing recharges me more than just alone time with my sweet Ben.
We normally try our best not to talk about difficult subjects like finances, or home issues. However, this time no matter how hard we tried to avoid it, there was a big elephant in the room. It was becoming difficult to talk about anything at all without bumping into it.
Months before, we began identifying the sin issues that snuck into our hearts due to infertility. We finally recognized the toll it was taking on us individually and our marriage. In the months and years leading up we had endured more hardships than I care to admit. I had rage filled arguments with the Lord. On many nights I wept with my entire body – it was so intense that all Ben could do was lay beside me and hold me. I finally recognized the depth of brokenness within me.
The type of brokenness that a positive pregnancy test would never heal.
It was a God sized hole that I tried placing motherhood inside of.
Little did I know being broken in my entirety set the stage for major healing. Weeks passed, then months and I began feeling wholeness within my body again. I felt the Lord finally speaking to me, because for a long time he was simply silent. I believe at times God is silent because we are not in a place to receive.
I remember coming back with hands wide open asking for forgiveness and feeling it wash over me like a flood. It felt like coming home after a long trip away – rushing into the waiting arms of my father. His grace never ceases to amaze me.
During that time, I learned something very significant - the Lord had grieved with me. He also mourned the brokenness within my body. I remember calling up a dear friend to ask for prayer, and during our time of silence she received this sweet image of Mary from the Lord:
This painting is called The Annunciation, and it is the announcement by the angel Gabriel to Mary that she would conceive and become the mother to Jesus. My friend told me that she saw me in Mary’s place, and just like Mary I was extremely confused. But, the lord was kneeling beside me and praying for my understanding. I wept for hours. I’ve never had this feeling of closeness with Mary, the mother to Jesus, but in that moment, I felt like our hearts were intertwined.
The confusion of mothering a child conceived by the holy spirt in her virgin body would be enough to make anyone fill with doubt, fear, and confusion. But she stepped into full faith with God, and I knew I had to do the same.
I firmly believe the Lord was praying for my understanding about Adoption. We had metaphorically set a table about adoption a long time ago, and just simply waited for Jesus to knock on our door and break bread.
That next Sunday I remember bringing all my desires for motherhood to the feet of Jesus. I prayed a very simple prayer,
“Jesus, oh sweet Jesus. If your desire is for us to Adopt please pour out your wisdom on us.”
For the first time in a long time I heard my beautiful savior say “Yes!”
Here he was, knocking on my door, calling me to the table.
I was so confident in his voice that I replied to him “When, Lord?”
Never have I ever had a full conversation with him, but to my astonishment he responded to me.
“February”
This was Four months away at the time, but I stopped and just praised him for speaking so clearly.
Now, fast forward to our date on that warm September evening between our empty dinner plates and half-finished drinks. My trembling heart started the conversation about Adoption.
The next step was clear, but would we take it? After a long pause where we let the weight of it all sink in my husband spoke.
“We are being called to Adopt next year. The Lord has confirmed that for me.”
My heart began to race.
It felt like Christmas morning and he was handing me a very small, but oh so precious gift. The one that my heart desired most.
My hands were shaking, and my mind was uncharacteristically blank, “Really?” I replied weakly.
I reached up to feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.
“These are happy tears” I said trying to wipe them away quickly. “I just can’t believe the Lord has given us both confirmation!”
“Were going to have a baby.”
He smiled and reached through our messy table to hold my hand. It was simply the best moment I have ever felt.
It felt like getting that long-awaited positive pregnancy test – but SO MUCH BETTER.
I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect moment.
“We are adopting.” I savored the words like a sweet chocolate.
By the time we made it to the car that night I had swung from pure joy to complete terror.
This journey is not omitted of danger, heartbreak, and financial stress. I knew in my heart that we had many hard days ahead of us.
The ultimate picture of God’s love awaited us on the other side, but the brokenness that results in adoption was not absent from my mind. I squeezed Ben’s hand a little tighter as we got into the car to drive home. I knew the same thoughts were crossing his mind.
“Surely your goodness and mercy will follow me, they will follow me”
I silently hummed to myself.
Surely, they will.
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